The Duty of a Christian Man: The Delight of a Husband

Do not misinterpret the title; I am in no way implying or asserting that every Christian man has to get married/be married. I hold a great respect for those who remain single for the service of the kingdom; and the Bible does also. The reward in heaven for such self-sacrificial service is great.

The Bible is clear, however, that a married man’s chief responsibility and ministry for the kingdom is to his wife. His actions toward her and their relationship are to be an image of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church. The marriage relationship is to be a reflection of the eternal, mysterious truth that has been revealed, and it is to be a witness (though quite imperfect) to the watching world of this unique union of God and His covenant people. Thus, this union and covenant relationship that exists is not to be undertaken lightly, but with the utmost sobriety and wisdom.

(I will not make too many practical applications as I write this—not because I lack pastoral concern, but because each husband, with the loving, submissive, gentle help of his wife, must discern what the Spirit’s guidance in living out this truth is for his marriage. I do not have all the answers. As one of my friends once said, I am like a man who has read the VCR manual, but I have never encountered the VCR. Also, in case the future Mrs. Tavernelli ever happens to read this (if God has created this most humble, patient, kind-hearted woman), I do not want her to think I will be the perfect husband, or set myself up for any more standards (especially my own) that I will be unable to keep—I’m a sinner.)

Let me clarify this with an exposition from Ephesians 5. Paul’s actual exhortations to husbands and wives do not begin officially until v. 22. There is, however, applicable truth from v. 21 to our discussion. Here Paul tells the Ephesians believers, “be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” The Bible makes clear that Christians are to only marry other Christians—to go against this is to disobey a direct commandment of God (2 Corinthians 6:14ff). Since Paul is here in this letter to the Ephesians talking to the believing community as a whole, it is only right to apply this verse to husbands and wives. So, husbands and wives should therefore be subject to one another—or, in other words, each one should humble him/herself and honor and love one another, putting/thinking of one another first (cf. Galatians 5:13-14, Ephesians 4:2, 32, Colossians 3:12-14, etc).

Now, wives are to be subject/submissive to their own husbands in the same way that they are subject to the Lord (v. 22). This, however, is not part of my discussion here. For a good, biblical discussion on this topic, see Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (http://www.cbmw.org/rbmw/). Wives are to be subject to their husbands in everything, just as the church is subject to Christ (24).

This is because the husband “is the head of the wife” (23). Husbands, you have a great responsibility and privilege. You are held to the standard of Christ—you are to lead your wife just as Christ leads the Church. Your role is to lead her in following and obeying God in everything—as her “head,” you will give account for how you have led her, just as you will give account for how you raised your children.

As the head, husbands are to love their wives “just as Christ also loved the church” (25). What does this love look like? It is sacrificial, her-centered love. For Christ loved the Church “and gave Himself up for her.” It is putting her needs and desires (in social situations) ahead of your own. It is a love that is intended to “sanctify her.” It is to be both an example for her, and it is to be a love that covers all wrongs. For example, today I spilled coffee grounds all over my printer and counter (I live in a dorm, so my kitchen counter doubles as my desk). Now, let’s say for a moment that your wife spills coffee grounds all over the counter. How should you react? As Christ did—be an example to point her to the supremacy of God’s grace in Christ Jesus. Do not grow angry with her and yell at her—rather, tell her you would like to clean up the mess she has made (on the cross, Christ cleaned up the mess of the Church). Go about that in a gentle-spirit. While your relationship may allow you, in a flirtatious manner, to say, “Smooth, honey,” or something similar (in a loving, gentle, playful tone), do not grumble, but show her the unconditional love between Christ and His bride.

Use every opportunity to both set her apart from other women and to cleanse her. As Christ did this “by the washing of water with the word,” so she has been set apart from other women to be in an unique union with you. This is so that you may present her to yourself as spotless and blameless—she is set apart to have marital relations with you, and you alone, and so you with her. In loving her, you are doing this much for your own benefit as well. You should receive great joy in bringing this woman happiness. Also, I think this is a good point to say that these marital relations include a spiritual relationship between you, her, and God. Thus, lead her spiritually, sanctifying her in the faith—helping her to draw closer to God. As you both grow together with God in your one relationship with God, you will also grow together as a couple. The husband’s relationship with the Lord thus becomes even more important, for he is no longer leading merely one, but now two. Thus, cultivate your own relationship with God, and your relationship together with God, for your individual and combined sanctification.

Listen to this carefully, husbands: Your wife is as your own body. As you are the head, so she is the body. Thus, as you care for your body (“for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church”), so you are to care for your wife. If you do not, then you are in sin. You have a responsibility to love your wife and give her the same treatment that you would give to your body. As Russell Moore has said (this is not an exact quote), nobody would give a standing ovation to the man who brushes his teeth in the morning, or to the man who puts on a sweater when it is cold out, or to the man who bathes himself, so the man who cares for his wife is not to be seen as some kind of hero. Rather, he is the one who is doing his job (though, it should be more than his duty, it should be his delight—he should make much of his wife, for she is a gift from God); others are living substandard.

As you put the health of your body as a high priority, so you should put the love and care for your wife as a high priority. That means putting her ahead of ministry in the local church. That means spending time with her, showing her you love her, and not letting other things usurp all of your time and energy. You have made a covenant with her that you have not made with others. As Christ’s first and foremost love and goodness is for the Church, so yours is to be for your wife. Do not overwork her, as you would not your own body. Encourage her; do not discourage. And do not be lazy, but self-sacrificing.

As Paul points out, in the beginning, it was ordained by God that the reason that a man was to leave his parents was for joining together with his wife. The two become one flesh. They are no longer to act as two, but as one. The husband is to look out for the good of both of them—for they are no longer separate, but one. When one hurts, so will the other. When one rejoices, so will the other. Parents no longer take priority, neither do friends, neither does work, neither does ministry—a husband is to put his wife first.

This is the husband’s greatest ministry. How he ministers to his wife is a reflection of his true commitment to God and his maturity in the faith. Elders especially are to put their wives first—Christ will take care of the Church, and they will see how the relationship between Christ and the Church is to work through the husband’s relationship with his wife. This is why God created marriage. It is to reflect the union of Christ and the Church. She is His body, and He is her head. Even before the fall, this is the intended purpose of marriage. Adam and Eve were to be witnesses of the coming Christ, and His covenant union with His people. It is for this reason that a husband is to love his wife and a wife is to submit herself to her husband.

Thus, to reflect the relationship of Christ and the Church, a woman is not allowed “to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet” (1 Timothy 2:12). The created order is to reflect the lordship of Christ over His Church. When the created order was not followed in the garden, the woman was deceived and fell into transgression, and the man with her (1 Timothy 2:14). Man was created first because he is to have the position of authority over his wife (v. 13)—just as Christ is before the Church and has authority over her. Therefore husbands, be certain to lead your wives—but in love (and by leading her you do love her).

While there is much more in the Bible that speaks concerning this issue, I have made my point; and so, for the purpose of brevity, I will stop here, reminding you of my main point. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself up for her. Love her with a sacrificial, gentle love. Delight in her and in her companionship alone—cultivating your relationship together and with God. She is your greatest ministry. Your love for her and your relationship with her is to be the image of Christ and the Church. Soli Deo Gloria!